Doughnut Astrology: classic ring doughnut

Part one: the classic ring doughnut
Welcome to the first edition of Doughnut Astrology! My name is Jay and I believe doughnuts make the world go ‘round. A box of doughnuts holds not only 12 scrumptious discs of deep fried goodness, but also the key to learning about the people eating them.
They’re the perfect treat for a party, a potluck, a work meeting, or any other social gathering, as you can get a large variety of flavors to make sure there’s something right for everyone; the type of doughnut that each individual takes can reveal what kind of person it was who took it.
To start this column, it’s only right to lead with the classic ring shaped doughnut. To learn what grabbing this doughnut says about you, we must first look at the origins of how it came about. We know of many old pastries from hundreds of years ago that are similar to doughnuts, but to truly understand how we got to the doughnut we have today, we have to talk about a man named Captain Hanson Crockett Gregory.
Gregory was a sailor who first set to the seas at just the age of 13 in 1844. Only three years later, the soon-to-be captain would revolutionize the world of doughnuts through one simple decision. In 1847, Gregory joined the crew of the Isaac Achorn, a three-mast schooner. By this time, people were already frying sweet dough in oil to get a delicious treat. It was called ‘olykoek’ which translates from Dutch into oily cake, but Gregory’s crew just called them fried cakes.
These fried cakes were a great snack to take aboard a long journey, but they had one major flaw. The cakes were made by taking the dough and rolling it into a ball before sticking it into the oil, but the middle of the cake would often turn out raw and unpleasant. One day, young Gregory was sick of the raw center and came up with an idea to fix the problem, “I took the cover off the ship’s tin pepper box, and—I cut into the middle of that doughnut the first hole ever seen by mortal eyes!” Captain Gregory said in a 1916 article with the Washington Post, “them doughnuts was the finest I ever tasted. No more indigestion—no more greasy sinkers—but just well-done, fried-through doughnuts.” He taught his genius invention to his mother, and after making many batches and sending them out to people around the area it quickly caught on. Eventually, people dubbed them to be ‘doughnuts’ as we know them today.
So what does this say about those who choose the classic ring doughnut? They’re practical but also problem solvers. They face issues head-on and aren’t afraid to admit when something is flawed. However, they also have the “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” mentality and don’t see a point in all the bells and whistles that are often added to perfectly good products. As Sir Isaac Newton said, “Truth is ever to be found in simplicity, and not in the multiplicity and confusion of things.”
Thank you for reading the first edition of Doughnut Astrology! Make sure to keep coming back for future editions to see what picking other doughnuts might say about you. Like maple bars, or rainbow sprinkles. Remember, doughnuts might be a dozen apiece, but you’re one of a kind.