Doughnut Astrology: jelly-filled doughnuts

Welcome to the fourth, and sadly final, edition of Doughnut Astrology! My name is Jay, and I believe doughnuts make the world go ‘round. In the last edition, we looked at the potential personality traits of enjoyers of the maple bar.
But what if you’d rather have a doughnut with a fruity filling? In this edition, we’ll shift gears back to something a little more common: jelly-filled doughnuts. If you come across a box of doughnuts and pick one filled with some jelly, what might that say about you?
Looking at the origins of the jelly doughnut reveals some intriguing context that can help to build the foundation of this “horoscope.” The jelly-filled doughnut, or the Berliner as it was first called, originates from Germany. The first recorded recipe was from the 1485 cookbook called “Kuchenmeisterei,” which translates to “kitchen mastery,” and it was a semisweet jam between two pieces of yeast dough, deep-fried in lard.
The Berliner spread through Europe, gaining numerous new names along the way, many of which are still used sometimes to this day. They can be called a Berliner, a Bismarck, a paczki, a krapfen, a sufganiyot, a Pershing, a jelly doughnut, a rice ball, and more! Okay, that last one is only if you’re Brock from Pokémon, but the rest are all legitimate names for a jelly-filled doughnut with their own unique and interesting origins.
The large list of names also parallels the vast number of different flavors of jelly or jam one can fill their Berliner with. You can go with strawberry, cherry, grape, apricot, and really any other fruit you want.
But here comes the sad part of the story: American culture kind of ruined this fun dessert. At most bakeries in the United States, the jelly-filled doughnuts have a super sweet and artificial-tasting filling that can give you a toothache just by saying the name “jelly doughnut” three times and hopping on one foot while looking in a broken mirror.
There are still some bakeries that respect the art of the true Berliner and fill it with a nice jam rather than the fake stuff that is all too common to find, but in the States, these bakeries are not always easy to come by. However, if you’re ever in Europe, the jelly doughnuts there are heavenly and haven’t lost their initial good-willed spirit.
But at the end of the day, the jelly-filled doughnut appeals to many for its fun sweetness, fruity flavors, and colorful appearance. So what does all of this say about people who choose to have jelly-filled doughnuts? They have a strong personality that adapts to the people around them, always trying to accommodate, but sometimes those who don’t know them well will claim they’re fake or are trying too hard.
This doesn’t bother them, though; they’re just here to have a good time and don’t care too much about what other people think. You can always count on them to be the life of the party, especially if glow sticks are involved. Katy Perry once said, “I just like having fun,” which I think is a good mantra for those who pick the jelly-filled doughnut.
Thank you for reading Doughnut Astrology, everyone! I had originally planned to do about eight editions of this, but it just didn’t work out. Here are some quick, rapid-fire, one-sentence, take-it-or-leave-it, going-for-the-gold, never-say-never, last-minute summaries for the doughnuts I didn’t get to cover.
Powdered sugar: extremely messy but fluffy and sweet; these people are a bit clumsy, but are some of the nicest people you’ll ever meet. Cinnamon twist: fun shape, is eaten as an experience rather than just food; these people never waste a second, they want to make sure everything they do will be a memorable experience for everyone involved. Apple fritter: fruity, different textures; these people like trying different things and can’t stand every day being the same. Cookies and cream: very sweet, chocolatey, nostalgic flavor; these people are mature enough to know it’s okay to let out your inner child sometimes and enjoy life!
I hope I was able to get to your favorite doughnut, and if not, then maybe you can reverse engineer my thought process and figure out what I was likely to say. Just think about what makes that doughnut flavor unique, maybe look a bit into its history, and then say random things with the confidence of someone who believes what they’re saying, and you can be a doughnut astrologer too! Remember, doughnuts might be a dozen a piece, but you’re one of a kind!