Tucker Carlson: a love affair with a piece of candy

M&M’s have been a staple candy for kids everywhere for over a hundred years. Since they were introduced to the public in the 1940s, they’ve accomplished what no other candy could. M&M’s were the first candy in space, became the “Official Snack Food of the Olympic Games” in 1984, and have more variations than you can even imagine. Another favorite of children, now known as Starbursts, were originally branded as a chewy and fruit-flavored M&M. Now, all of this history is overshadowed by their spokescandy’s shoe choice.
For as long as this beloved candy has been around, Mars, the company that produces M&M’s, have had spokescandies featured in fun advertisements and commercials to promote themselves. Each spokescandy has their own shape, color, and personality. The green M&M was originally introduced as the “sexy one.” By this I mean, she had bigger lips and wore high heeled boots. Now personally, I didn’t find any of them attractive, because they are animated pieces of candy.
Tucker Carlson, on the other hand, became very attached to this green piece of candy and her beloved boots. In the midst of their torrid affair, although one-sided (because one is very fictional and literally a piece of candy), her drastic change from boots to flats was the last straw that ended it all. Carlson was truly devastated and took to the news to spread the word of this betrayal.
Instead of covering the war in Ukraine, continuation of turmoil in Afghanistan, or other current political ongoings, M&M’s de-sexifying Carlson’s favorite spokes-candy made the 6 o’clock news.
Then, Ms. Green had the audacity to appear on TV with Ms. Brown, a “plus-sized” brown M&M, holding hands. Their big gay display just tore up Carlson’s already broken heart. She was going against all that he stood for. His ex-lover was outwardly supporting a plus-sized, spoc, (spokescandy of color,) and promoting LGBQRSTUVIA+ism at the same time! This controversy was just too much for Mars, so the spokescandies have been erased entirely.
Now this sounds absolutely ridiculous doesn’t it? So much drama over a candy? Every M&M is a different color, they don’t have a race, let alone a specified gender. If you too were truly upset over this debacle, ask yourselves: why do you care? Why were you sexualizing an M&M in the first place? So what if she changes shoes? Once again, she’s not real. Maybe her animator wanted an easier job, less shoe to keep up with. So what? It’s literally just an ad for candy. Buy it or don’t. It’s just an animated piece of candy with a face, arms, and legs. Get over it. Buy a Snickers bar instead, unless a “no regerts” tattoo offends you too.
As a long-time M&M lover, please move on. I just want another funny commercial with my favorite M&M, the yellow one, doing something silly. The next generation is going to grow up without SuperBowl commercials with everyone’s favorite spokescandies, all because another man wanted to control what a woman was wearing. Except instead of a real life actual human woman, it’s a fictional animated M&M. What has the world come to?