Parenting children is always going to be hard. There isn’t a step-by-step manual for every situation, and it often seems to be quick decision making and hoping it won’t turn out badly. And children (mostly teens) add on to that by criticizing parents as well. Sometimes that criticism is deserved, sometimes the kids aren’t looking at it from the right perspective. Many parents have troubles, and many express the feeling that they think they aren’t parenting well. The parenting question has been asked for generations, with answers on how to do it differing.
One popular (and controversial) parenting style that has been trending on TikTok is the gentle parenting style. According to Parent.com, “Gentle parenting is a means of parenting without shame, blame, or punishment. It is centered on partnership as both parents and children have a say in this collaborative style.” This style of parenting is more collaborative than authoritarian, and it can foster a great upbringing.
However, gentle parenting is often misunderstood as submissive parenting or letting the child do whatever they want without consequences. The internet has mistaken ‘gentle’ for ‘docile.’ Irina Gorelik, a child psychologist, did an interview with CNBC and talked about what gentle parenting is. “There may be misconceptions that gentle parenting means ‘no rules’ or is a ‘soft’ form of parenting, so the drawbacks only exist if the approach is misunderstood,” said Gorelik.
Many people do not research or discover what gentle parenting actually is before discussing the bad side effects of it. From what I’ve seen, gentle parenting values the child’s feelings and desires instead of disciplining them for every wrongdoing. In other words, treating the kids like human beings instead of just children.
Teaching kids why something they did was bad instead of simply punishing and expecting them to know can make them even better people in the future because they can develop critical thinking and communication skills. Talking to them about what they are feeling and why can cause them to develop emotionally much quicker and much more effectively. “By using those individual moments as teaching examples, parents can model their own calm demeanor when responding to the child and help them learn better coping tools once the child is in a calm state themselves,” Gorelik said.
A survey was sent out to North High about their parents and their methods. One of the questions was “What is something your parent(s) do well?” The main thing in the responses was respect and communication. A few responses also mentioned that the parents keep the kids safe from dangers. In the next question, “What is something your parent(s) don’t do well,” the main theme was strictness and lack of trust. Most kids see being monitored or being punished as bad parenting, and while this can be because they want to do whatever they want, it can also be justified. If a kid feels like they are being treated unfairly, it can foster resentment in that relationship. Also, some students said their parent(s) don’t explain their reasoning for punishment. The change from unexplained punishment to talking to a kid can change the dynamic from resentment to understanding. Maybe not appreciating, but understanding. Many kids take punishment and tracking as an insult, and don’t think about the fact that parents want to keep kids safe. Treating them like individuals who have feelings can make parenting easier and create a good relationship with the child.
However, this parenting style will not fit everyone. All child-parent relationships are different, and it is up to the parents how they parent their own children. There are cons to this parenting style, like tempers can often be explosive, and it’s hard to gently teach kids when they’re throwing a tantrum.
Punishment can be quicker in getting children to do what you want, and it can be patience-thinning to try to stick with the slow style. Others will also judge your parenting and assume you are docile, which can be difficult when looking for support. A lot of critics say that children don’t get enough discipline with this style, and allowing the child to make their own decisions, which can lead to very bad ones.
It needs to be applied consistently and well to work correctly, which can be difficult. It’s a fairly new parenting style, which means there are not as many tips and tricks out there as there are for others.
Many parents just do what their parents did with them. They mimic what parenting style they were raised with, which can be detrimental to kids if it doesn’t work for them. Because there is no handbook or game plan when you are a parent, it’s hard to completely deviate from how their parents raised them.
According to Zero to Three, an organization that bases programs and solutions in the science of early childhood: “Most likely, you sometimes ‘go home again’—act on beliefs, values, and experiences from your childhood—without making a conscious decision to do so.” That pendulum swing can make future parents already vulnerable to the bad parenting they swore they wouldn’t do. Things like shame and abuse are a cycle, and learned behaviors.
On this note, I do think telling others how to parent is nosy and wrong, to put it bluntly. There are exceptions, like if a parent is mentally or physically abusing their child or neglecting them. However, if that isn’t the case and the child is in no clear danger, butting your head into someone else’s parenting is not necessary.
No parenting trick is going to be perfect, because humans are not perfect. Kids will not act exactly as we want them to act, and we will not always be even-tempered and perfect. Parenting is a hard skill that not everyone can master. Taking care of a developing mind is difficult because you decide if you want to lead that growth or let them learn on their own. Both have pros and cons.
All I’m saying is don’t judge someone’s parenting style by its name, and research it before you attack it.